I had attended camp at the Red Rock Ranch for 5 years in a row. I was scared to death on my first trip, and it was frightening to be away from my parents, my house, and my bedroom for three whole weeks. I cried a lot and spent most of the first week begging my parents to come get me. I even went as far as making threats of suicide. Looking back on it now, I can see that I was a drama queen-in-training when I was young.

The next summer was a little better, and I didn"t cry once. Nor did I make empty threats about taking my own life, which was a "measurable improvement" right? - 

It was my third summer at Red Rock that some amazing shit happened. From the second that I arrived that summer, I instantly took notice of how much my friends had change in one year. The fact that I was so intrugued by it was a cause of even greater concern to me, but I didn"t dwell on it too much until I fugured out what it all meant.

I distinctly remember sitting around the camp fire, and not being able to take my eyes away from a guy named Bryce. God! had he ever changed. He was once "the chubby kid" with braces on his teeth, and a pair of thick eye-glasses. As I was having these thoughts privately in my head, I clearly heard myself think. "Damn! - Bryce got really cute." I was like "Whoa! hold the phone there, little camper!" This was the onset of my gay awakening, and the entire transition realization to acceptance did not take very long.

I"d like to say that this was like the "little gay light bulb" that lit up over my head, but the implication over my observations of Bryce where very clear to me. This was more like the "Big gay light house" that lit up over my head. It was a fucking beacon of light so bright, that it lit up the darkest corners of my mind. The corners where I hid all of my secrets including those that I kept from myself. I just freaked out quietly in my head for a few minutes, as realty slapped me in the face. I couldn"t even pretend not to know what all of this meant.

"Ain"t that a bitch?" I thought to myself. 

20 minutes ago I was walking from my cabin to the campfire. I arrived, took a seat, made a couple of S"mors over the fire, then I saw Bryce"s and how beautiful he looked bathed in an orange glow from the campfire. - and BANG! - just like that, I"m a freakin" homo! - 

I remember thinking "Holy Crap! my folks will hit the fuckin" roof if they piece this little puzzle together." They shelled out $350 bucks to send their kid to camp, and their getting back Liberace in a few weeks.

That, in a nutshell, was pretty much the cruxt of my gay awakening. So, I just soldired on, and never looked back. Camp was never quite the same after that. The rest of that session became somewhat of a labrotory experiement.

The next session would be my last even though I didn"t know that at the time. We where all older, more curious, less inhibited, and by week three, it turned into a virtual circle jerk. And as for myself and two other"s, one of which was Bryce, it was a even more then that. Bryce became the first boy that I ever kissed, and of course we didn"t do it because we wanted to, it was just the rules of the game. But at our age, that was a logical explaination, but it"s pretty flimsy when you put some real thought into it. I mean, what else could be expected from 3 boys playing spin-the-bottle? But hey! that was our story, and we"re stickin" to it!

I really missed camp when I didn"t go the following year, but I had a drives license by then, and didn"t want to give up three weeks of this new found freedom to go play spin-the-bottle with some curious straight boys. I had plans Jack! - I was a man on a mission. But I quickly learned that it wasn"t that simple. That whole summer I remained sexless, and wonder if I had fucked up by not going to camp. I couldn"t get Bryce out of my head, and I missed him terribly. The entire summer of my 16th year was a total bust. I had started it off as a man on a mission, and ended it as a girl interrupted.

I remember feeling that I was going to regret not going to camp that last summer. I suddenly found myself finishing up my last year of high school, too old to go to camp, and terribly missing the first boy that I had ever kissed. I came to tearms that Bryce was gone from my life, and I"d most likely never see him again. 

Two summer"s later, when I was 18-years old, an envelope arrived in the mail. Red Rock Ranch was offering me a spot to be a councelor for both sessions (7 weeks). This basically meant that they would pay travel expenses to-and -from camp, feed me for 7 weeks, and in return, they get a counseler who requires very little training. I already know all of the rules, regs, songs, agendas, etc. It would also get me out of having to look for a job for 7 whole weeks, and I jumped at the offer. 

When the day arrived, I took the Amtrak to make the 80 mile trip to the Red Rock Ranch. When I arrived at the station, I could see a few other people gathering around with Red Rock Ranch shirt"s on. I recognized a few of them from my sessions years earlier as a camper, but I didn"t know them well enough to remember thier names. I walked back out to the platform to smoke a cigarette, and read my Enquirer. I started to become consumed with thoughts of Bryce, and how foolish I was for not seeing how much he meant to me until it was too late. Deep down inside, I knew that I was making this trip so that I could at least feel closer to Bryce. I wanted to find a way to let him go so that I could move on with my life. I wanted to see if sit on that rock by the lake where we sat and held hands. I wanted to see if our initials where still visable that we carved into a tree. 

I heard the next train arrive and knew that the bus from Red Rock would soon be here to take us the remaining 15 miles to the ranch. I lit up another cigarette, knowing that I couldn"t smoke on the bus. 

"Hey man! can I bum a smoke?" I heard a voice say. 

I looked up and there he was. It was Bryce in a shirt just like mine. I hadn"t seen him in 3 years, and he really hadn"t changed all that much. He was still hot, and I suddenly felt like I was 15-years old agian. My palms got all sweaty, and my heart began to race. After all, this guy wasn"t just the first boy that I ever kissed, he was my first love that I thought I"d never see again for as long as I lived.

I couldn"t think of a single thing to say to casually bring up the kiss, and I didn"t want to make a cleaver joke about it. That first kiss between Bryce and I was my fondest memory from the point in my life. There where alot of things about it that I didn"t recognize at the time, but realized later. Like how we just kissed with lips in front of Travis, the 3rd player in our spin-the-bottle session. But after he went to sleep, Bryce and I gave up spinning the bottle and just started making out with tongues. I couldn"t have ever imagined that Bryce would return to Red Rock as a staffer, and that we"d have a chance to say good bye properly.

We heard the horn honk, and knew it was the Red Rock bus without having to look up. Well....unless someone else had a very loud "awoooh-gaaahhh" air horn on the car. Bryce and I boarded the bus and sat next to each other towards the back. There was plenty of room since there was only about 10 people on a bus that usually seats 40 screaming kids. We talked about what we"d been doing over the past 3 years, and other meaningless stuff. I could detect a slight tone of nervousness in his voice, and as we got closer to Red Rock, I started to panic.

"Do you remember any of these guys Bryce?" I asked.

"By face, but not their names." He replied.

"So....um.....we should probably bunk together, before we get stuck with one of them." I said.

"No shit Sherlock!" Bryce said. "we have to bunk together! I don"t like whackin" it in front of strangers."

"Yeah, at least you and I won"t have to play "wadda u wanna do"? I said.

"No kidding! I hated that shit!" Bryce said.

So that pretty much settled it. Bryce and I where going to have a very interesting 7 weeks together. It had me horny just thinking about the possibilities. When we where campers, there was always this tense few moments, as new bunk mates tested the water to see if beating-off in front of each other was cool or not.

That"s when "wadda u wanna do?" would start. - It was a quick volley words headed for a common goal. It would play out a little something, like this:

"Hey man! you going to sleep now?"

"Nah, I"m not tired yet."

"what"s there to do?"

"dunno, what do you want to do?"

"whatever, what do you feel like doing?"

"don"t matter to me, whatever u wanna do?"

"what should we do then?"

"dunno, what do you usually do?"

" the same as everyone else, I guess"

"Yeah, I can only think of two things"

"At this time of night, I say dudes where either jackin" or sleepin"

"No shit! or jackin" them selves to sleep."

"I guess there"s no harm in beatin" it at bedtime?"

"well.....I can"t say that I haven"t done it before."

"Me neither - I do it all the time."

"Yeah? do you feel like doing it right now?"

"I will if you will"

"okay - let"s whip um out on the count of three"

I have come to the conclusion that "wadda u wanna do" is basically "fore-play" for jack-off buddies, so that nobody has to whip out a limp dick.. It was a great relief to both of us that we didn"t need to do this anymore. We"d outgrown that shyness years ago. For guys, after a few sessions of camp, someone seeing you masturbate is about a private as someone seeing you apply deodorant or brush your teeth.

So here we where, back together again. Bryce"s reason for coming was to kill time before he went off to college in September. I wasn"t college bound and was just looking for an excuse to put adult-life on hold for just a little longer.

What a perfect setting this was for someone who was resisting adulthood, responsibility, and everything else that comes along with it. I had recently whished that I could relive my first kiss with Bryce, and pretty much the entire last week we had spent together. The fact of the matter was that, I had never been able to capture that feeling that I got when I kissed Bryce. I wondered if it was because it was the first kiss, or was it something else. I hoped that I wouldn"t have to wait too long to find out.

We got our hut squared away, and one of the two dorms that we"d be responsible for. The camp was deserted, and after 4:00 pm, we where free to do whatever we wanted until chow. The sun was still relatively high in the sky, and we decided to take a boat out on the lake. 

We gave each a 30 second peep-show as we changed into our swim suits back in our hut. Bryce had a thin happy-trail of dark hair between his belly button, and pubic hair that was deffinately not there the last time that I saw him. We rowed our boat close to shore, but away from the dock, and then took turns rubbing sun screen on each other even though it was totally un-necessary. We layed tip-to-toe in the flat bottom boat, and I could sense that our conversation was heading in a spacific direction.

"It"s wierd being here with you Jeff." Bryce said.

"Jeez! I hope that it"s a good wierd, and not a bad wierd." I replied.

"Oh yeah! totally good. I didn"t think that I ever see you again, and then you didn"t come back."

"Yeah! I was all wrapped up in getting my license, and fixing up my truck that year. I though about you a lot that summer?"

"Wow! - you really thought about me Jeff?"

"Yes, because I felt kind of sad that I might never see the first guy that I ever kissed again." 

"Hey! you"re the first guy that I"ve ever kissed too." Bryce said.

"I"d really like to talk about that Bryce, if that"s okay with you" 

"Sure man! but try not to sound so serious, you"re kind of scaring me. I guess you should know that when we kissed, ya know? after Travis went to sleep. You did something to me." Bryce said.

"I did! - like something pervy?"

"No not pervy. It was far from pervy Jeff. It was that best kiss that I"ve ever had, and I sort of got all excited as the next summer started getting close. Then I got here and found out that you weren"t here, I was totally crushed."

"Didn"t you have any fun? - I hope that I didn"t ruin the entire session for you?"

"Well....Travis chestered when he thought I was sleeping."

"No shit! - So what did you do?"

"Layed very, very still." Bryce said with an shit-eating grin.

"Was he any good at it?" I asked.

"I"m not really sure. I was too busy thinking about you." Bryce said.

"Come here." I said, and Bryce moved over towards me. I gently stroked that side of his face with my hand and I watched his eyes close as I did it. After a few seconds, he reached for my hand and kissed it, and then kissed me. We where really getting into it, and Bryce put his arm arond my back. He slowly lowered me down and came right down ontop of me. I felt him slid his tongue into my mouth, and I thought I was gonna nut right there in my shorts. That feeling that I had missed for the past 3 years had come right back just a strong as ever. 

We both agreed to start rowing back towards the dock, but it was so difficult to stop kissing. I wanted to just eat chow, hit the shower, and then head straight for our hut, so that I could remove all of his clothing and just stare at his naked body.

When the horn sounded for chow, Bryce and I went running. We inhailed the food in a matter of minutes and then headed for the shower. That took all of two minutes, and then we made a mad dash back to our hut. We moved both of our mattresses onto the floor and waisted very little time gettin" busy. This was the first time that I made-out with a totally naked guy, and I couldn"t think of anyone else better to do it with.

Everything about Bryce was incredible. His body, his passion, and his dick. Man! that thing leaked more pre-cum, then my truck leaked oil. We made each other cum a bunch of times over the course of the night. But we also talked a lot about this felling that we gave each otherm that we couln"t get from anyone else. And that marked the true beginning between Bryce and I. It was settled that after 7 weeks, we would not be going our separate ways. As much as we had thought about each other over the years, neither of us thought that we"d reunite at Red Rock on the staff. Bryce told me how he felt when he stepped off of the train, and saw me there smoking a cigarette, and reading the paper. 

I had managed to keep my sexuality a secret from my parents, but I knew that when I got home, packed up all of my shit, and left to go run-off with a man, they"d get the picture. They actually took it alot better then I thought. And when they met Bryce for the first time, my mother regailed him with stories that I don"t even recall telling her. It was my first inclination that they actually did piece that little puzzle together when they came to pick up from the train station when I was 14

Bryce came down the following week to help me pack up my things. We went out to dinner with my parents and that"s when the whole story came out, so-to-speak.

Bryce had a very suductive side to him, and the fact that he had my mother doing shooters with him was proof of that. I had never seen my mom hammered before, and it took bryce to make it happen. By the time we got seated at a table, and our food arrived, my mom was already half-in-the-bag. She started telling Bryce about the car ride home from the train station when I was 14.

"Oh my......God! - all the way home from the train station it was - Bryce this - Bryce that - Me and Bryce - Bryce and I. And then the next year it was all of that and more. Christ! you where all that he could talk about. I was about to tell my husband to stop by Macy"s on the way home so we could get a bridal registry started for the two of you." My mom said with a drunking slur.

"Fuck mom! who much have you had to drink?" I said

"Watch your language Jeffery!" My mom exclaimed "You"re not too big for a spanking youngman"

"Your mother is right." Bryce said to me. - "But that"s my job now." He said to my mom. She thought it was hysterical and busted up laughing. I was sure that we would be asked to leave the resturaunt at any moment. Meanwhile, I"m just dying of embarrssment. My dad even thought it was funny. But most of all, I could tell that they really liked Bryce, both of my parents. They rarely agreed about anything, and yet again, it took Bryce to make that happen.

I was truely happy for the first time in a long time, and it just kept getting better all of time. I remember every little sign that let me know that Bryce was in it for the long run. Like when he started calling my parent by thier first names, and when my dad would refer to us as "the boys" when speaking to my mom. 

When we would came to vist, my dad would shout through the house. "Honey! - the boys are here!"

The first time time that I heard my father say that, I almost fucking cried. There where a few relatives who couldn"t handle sitting down to a Christmas Dinner or Thanksgiving with a couple of queers, so they stopped coming. I bought the lame excuse once, but after a the second time, I figured it out. I told my mom that Bryce and I didn"t have to come every Christmas and Thanksgiving. She told me not to worry about it, and besides, she needed Bryce to blame for getting her hammered. Bryce did like to celibrate over the holidays, and he though that my mother all liquored up was fucking hysterical. I have to admit that I was pretty funny to see a 50 year old, drunk-ass, white women. She had the foulest mouth when she was drunk. and talked like a hip-hop, gangsta teenager. 

I told my mom that one year Bryce and I would come for Christmas, and Thanksgiving the next. This way she could see her sister, a few cousins, and Bryce and I every year. Her response was an emphatic:

"FUCK THEM! - Punk ass bitch can"t hang, Punk ass bitch don"t eat! - Okaaaaaay!" She said.

I immedaitely shot a look over at Bryce, and he said "Don"t look at me, she was already hammered when we got here."

"Jeez mom - You"re lit." I said.

"Chill dog! It"s all good." She said.

Yup! Bryce was mine forever. I finally let go of that worry stone that I"d rub, fearing that I wake up one day and he"d be gone. By the time we where both 30-years old, I felt pretty safe, and finally stopped worring.

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