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Kyle took the news better than I did, he did the cool guy best friend thing and said it wouldn’t change anything, and it hadn’t, he still treated me the exact same. But I had changed, I looked at myself in a different way now, and I looked at other guys in a different way, instead of just taking no notice of them, I found myself staring at their ass as they passed me, or wondering what it would feel like to touch them. I hated it. “The same as usual” I replied to Kyle with my new found constantly depressed tone. I had been unhappy to say the least recently. “Liam, you’ve gotta come to terms with this dude, it doesn’t change who you are, you’re still the same person. Now come on, have fun.” Kyle had been trying endlessly to cheer me up with no success, I could tell he didn’t like seeing me like this. “Yeah, I’ll try” I tried to put on a smile, aiming to put his mind at rest, through the rest of the night I tried joining in with the group, trying my best to enjoy what was left of the night. I had a few drinks and by the end of the night I felt a little more upbeat, I found myself quite dizzy and unable to walk in a straight line. Eventually the last of our friends stumbled out of our flat.

Kyle and I lived together in an apartment in the city. Once everyone had gone Kyle pulled of his shirt revealing his perfectly toned body. It made me sick that I even found myself looking at Kyle in this way, I watched as his arm muscles flexed as he pulled his shirt over his head leaving his shiny black hair ruffled and messy. I watched as he disappeared into his room. Taking a look around at the mess which would need to be cleaned up tomorrow I turned of the lights and headed to my room which was next to Kyle’s. I pulled of my shirt and slid of my trousers. I stood for a moment, looking at my body, wondering how I had gotten to this point, how the normal little boy ended up being a young man heading towards self destruction. Failing to find an answer I slid of my boxers and climbed into bed, it was a warm night and the sheets were already clinging to my body, I pulled the covers back so that only from my waist down was covered. Suddenly my door opened and I seen Kyle standing in nothing but his boxers, “Hey, Liam, I was thinking, we’re going out tomorrow night, and no matter what I say, promise you’ll do it, okay?” Kyle stared at me awaiting some kind of reaction, “Sure, whatever you say dude, night” “Cool, don’t forget, you promised, night”. Kyle closed my door and a few seconds later I heard him close his own. I was left, lying on my own, in the dark, wondering what I had just promised to do.

The next day dragged in as I waited to find out what Kyle had planned. Finally night came, Kyle had told me to get ready and make myself look sexy. I laughed when he said that but he argued he was serious. I was fixing my blonde hair when Kyle stepped into my room wearing tight fitting jeans and a plain black top. I looked up at him before getting up and walking out past him, like Kyle I was wearing tight jeans but I also wore a shirt. We left the apartment near ten. Kyle drove since only he knew where we were going. We passed all the clubs I recognised and I wondered where else there could be to go. Kyle stopped in a car park, just a small walk away from a busy street in the centre of the city. When I stepped out of the car I could hear music already. Kyle locked the car before taking the lead again, we walked in silence for a few minutes before stopping outside a club I didn’t recognize.

The place looked decent anyway, the music inside was loud, just the way I liked it. The security man at the door gave us an approving nod, but then eyed us carefully as we entered, once we were inside everything changed. Men filled the bar, dancing, laughing, talking, kissing. All I could see was topless guys…everywhere. Kyle had taken me to a gay bar. “Kyle, let’s go, this isn’t funny” I pleaded with Kyle to leave feeling incredibly uncomfortable, however while I spoke I found my eyes wondering around the room. “It’s not supposed to be funny Liam, I think this could help you.”. I found myself barely listening to Kyle, I was too busy gazing around the room, enjoying the wide range of entertainment on offer. Kyle and I picked a table in the corner where I could try to adjust to the shock of men, everywhere and calm myself, my eyes continued to shift around the room, I couldn’t decide where to look next, almost like when there’s loads of programmes on TV you want to watch and you just can’t pick one. That was until I saw him. My eyes eventually fell upon the bar, under the bright lights the most beautiful man I had ever seen sat quietly sipping at a drink, he didn’t seem to be enjoying himself, in fact, he seemed to feel just as awkward as I did.

He looked like he was in deep thought, he didn’t look upset but he didn’t look like the other men, they were laughing and smiling at each other while he sat on his own, a blank expression on his face while he continued to just sip at his drink. He had short, light brown hair, I couldn’t tell what colour his eyes were but it didn’t matter, they were the brightest eyes I had seen and in the dark club they shone like stars at midnight. Suddenly I seen a man tap him on the shoulder before disappearing through a door behind the sexy stunning stranger. He put his drink down before looking up at the barman, the barman smiled at him weakly before rubbing his shoulder, as if he was showing sympathy, I watched desperately as got up and left his drink, disappearing through the door after the man who had tapped him on the shoulder. I chatted with Kyle while I watched the door, waiting for my new interest to re-emerge, after what felt like a lifetime, which turned out to be twenty minutes actually, the man who had tapped him on the shoulder came back through the same door, I could see his face clearly now, he was an older man, not exactly attractive. A few seconds later my face lit up as my new friend came back into sight. He sat down again in his original spot and swallowed the remainder of his drink before putting his head in his hands. I saw the barman approach him again and lay his hand on his shoulder.

I told Kyle I was going to get drinks and quickly walked towards the bar. The barman turned to me and smiled. “Two vodka and cokes please”. The beautiful man lifted his head at the sound my voice and looked at me, I could see his eyes were red, he had been crying, in fact he looked exhausted. He stared at me for a second, “Are you okay” I asked, trying not to sound curious or strange at taking an interest in the stranger. “Yeah thanks, just having a tough night at work”. “Join the club bro, I’m Liam”. For the first time he smiled, “I’m Brad”. I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder before hearing Kyle announce he was going next door to have a quiet drink, I didn’t object, for the first time enjoying the atmosphere. Brad opened his mouth to say something when another man approached him from behind and tapped his shoulder in the same way the other man had, when this happened I seen brad’s face turn even more upset, his eyes seemed to water and panic was written all over his face. “Sorry” He whispered before disappearing through the door which he had gone through earlier.

I sat on my own for the next ten minutes before Brad emerged, this close I could see him more clearly, he opened the door and stepped out, he took a quick look around before fixing his shirt and pulling up his zip. I stared at him in disbelief, trying to make some sense of the situation. Brad lifted his head, revealing his beautiful face and realised I was staring at him. He sat down again and repeated “Like I said, tough night at work”. Brad lowered his head fully in shame. “This is what you do, you get paid for…” “Please, don’t say it” Brad looked even more upset now that I had realised. “I know it’s wrong, but I don’t have a choice”.

I got up, unsure whether or not to walk away, I knew I should leave, but something drew me back to Brad, I approached him and sat on the seat next to him. “Quit, listen I don’t know you, but you’re better than this, I can tell”. “I can’t quit, I need the money” I could hear the desperation in his voice when he said that, his voice broke slightly, he looked ashamed. “Listen, no amount of money can be worth this, sometimes we have to make difficult decisions, but we have to deal with the consequences, we have to hang in there, because no matter how bad things are… they will get better” I wasn’t sure if I was giving him advice, or coming to a realisation myself, I had my own problems. I laid my hand on his shoulder, “Come on, lets get outta here” I tried to sound optimistic, trying to provide Brad with some hope. He put on a coat which had been hung over the back of his chair before leaving with me. We walked through some empty streets, sometimes we talked, and other times we walked in silence, both of us deep in thought about our own lives. Finally we arrived at a small bench, overlooking a small lake.

I wasn’t sure how far we had walked, the sounds of the busy city now seemed distant and quiet, instead of music booming through the air it was now only a small background noise. “My friend tricked me into coming here tonight, thought it would help me come to terms with the fact I’m gay.” I chuckled at admitting that to someone I just met. Brad looked at me with concern in his eyes. “Oh, you’re new to the whole finding guys attractive thing” I laughed, surprised that Brad somehow maintained a sense of humour after tonight. “Yeah, I guess I am. I just, never thought I would turn out gay, I just don’t know what to make of the whole thing to be honest, I hate the way I look at guys now, and I hate myself for allowing the thoughts to be in my head”. I looked down at my lap, suddenly I seen Brads hand on my thigh, his gentle touch brought a feeling of warmth and security to me. I turned and looked at him, unable to take my eyes of his, gradually, everything began to fade out of sight, it was like the sounds had been muted and all I could see and hear was Brad, slowly he leaned towards me, never breaking eye contact, until he touched my face, then I closed my eyes before feeling his soft lips touch mine, the feel of his wet lips sent shivers down my spine. I didn’t want this to end but at the same time I hated myself for this. After a few seconds I came to my senses and pushed him of me. I got up and turned around, then started running, I didn’t know where I was going, but as long as it was away from Brad, it didn’t matter.

**************************************************************

BRAD’S VIEW

I sat for a second, unable to believe what had just happened, in my job, I had fucked more guys than I can count, but that was the first time I had actually enjoyed touching someone, and I wasn’t going to let go that easily, I got up and ran after Liam, desperately calling after him, I sprinted as fast as I could, then suddenly, after entering a forest, he disappeared, I kept running before tripping over something I tumbled down a hill quickly, hitting several rocks on my way down before coming to a rest next to Brad, he had fallen down the same hill, he lay facing upwards panting heavily, without thinking I rolled on top of him pinning him down to the ground, he looked up at me speechless. “Sorry, I thought you wanted me to kiss you” “I did, but, I just, I dunno I cant do this” Liam seemed upset at what he had done. “Yes you can, Liam theres nothing wrong with being gay, I went through denial too, pretending you like girls, denying yourself thoughts about guys, trust me, it doesn’t work, please, let me help you”. I sighed before rolling off Liam and staring up at the stars. “It’s not that easy Brad, I don’t want to be gay, I don’t want to look at guys the way I do, I wish I could just be normal, I hate being this way, it scares me”.

I turned my head to look at him, he looked frightened and his bottom lip quivered as he spoke. “Then let me help you, things get better I promise”. “Ok, but only if you let me help you too, quit that place” Liam had a hint of hope in his voice, its strange how we just met each other, but we wanted the best for each other like we had been friends for years. “You don’t understand”. I didn’t want to keep the secret from Liam, but I had to. “Then explain it to me”, Liam was persistent, that was the first thing I learned about him”. “Some other time maybe, we should go now”. We got up and dusted each other down before starting our walk back to the bar. I gave him my phone number and hugged him goodbye. Liam went to get his friend and I started walking home, well, actually, if home is where the heart is, I had no idea where I was going. Still, I walked back to my apartment, greeted by the reminder of why I worked the way I did, why I needed the money, and why I wouldn’t quit.

As I climbed the stairs to my apartment the flickering lights annoyed me as the sounds of drunken teens outside bombarded the quiet night atmosphere. I sighed as I reached the run down door to my apartment, most of the horrible, dark green paint was missing creating an appearance of poverty and despair, which wasn’t totally inaccurate. Exhausted, I threw down my keys as I entered the dull apartment. I stood in a small dark room with four doors, one to my bedroom, one to the lounge, one to the kitchen and one to another bedroom. “I’m home”. I entered my bedroom and quickly pulled of my tshirt which smelt of sweat and sex. I had mixed emotions and was confused over what had happened tonight.

I was exhausted and aching from work but buzzing with excitement at having met Liam. The though of him allowed a smile to spread across my face, from the moment I laid eyes on him I thought he was amazing, there was something special about him, I don’t know what it was but all that mattered is that I wanted to see him again. I sighed as I thought about how I missed him already. It was weird having such an instant attraction to a stranger. I ruffled my hair as I pushed the door open to my brothers bedroom he looked pale as he lay peacefully in his bed, his messy hair was thin on his bed and his face was thin like the rest of his body. I sat down on the edge of his bed and then pulled the cover up making sure it was wrapped tightly around his shoulders keeping his thin body warm.

I didn’t exactly have the life of a normal 22 year old. I lived with my younger brother, he’s 10. Our parents died in a car crash when we were younger. Ever since then I had done anything to stop us being taken into care and being split up. I worked in the club to try to make some money so I could buy food and keep a roof over our heads. I didn’t make much money but it was something. As if life wasn’t hard enough, my brother was sick, really sick. He has been battling with cancer for almost a year now and I could slowly see him getting worse. He had lost weight and had to stay in bed most of the time. Slowly his eyes opened revealing his once bright blue eyes, now they had lost their shine and were dull. A slight smile broke across his face when he saw I was home. “Hey little bro”. I smiled at him, trying to bring some comfort to him. “Hi”. His voice sounded weak I could hardly hear him. “Go back to sleep bro, you need to rest”. I rubbed his shoulder gently, trying to ignore the fact that I could feel his bones. “Rest is the only thing I do Brad”. I knew he was right, he knew he was sick, but honestly he handled it better than I did, I couldn’t handle the thought of losing my brother, but somehow he was being brave, I was proud of him. “Yeah, I wish I could stay in bed all day like you do, I have to go to work” I smiled at him and removed my hand from his shoulder, then leaned forward and gently kissed him on the head the way I did every night “Goodnight bro”. I got up and headed for the door “Night” I heard him murmur. I closed his door over but I left it open slightly in case he needed to call me during the night.

I entered my own room and shivered as I pulled off my trousers, I stood quivering in my boxer shorts. Without hesitation I climbed into bed and my eyes closed instantly as my head hit the pillow. Images of Liam flashed through my mind as my exhausted body slowly relaxed and my muscles loosened, for the first time I fell asleep with happy thoughts about someone I met in the club instead of regret and bitter feelings towards some stranger who I’d fucked for money. Liam was special alright, but unlike me… in a good way.

************************************************************

LIAM’S VIEW

As I lay in bed that night I couldn’t help but think of Brad, when he touched me it sent chills through my entire body, he made me forget how much I detested being gay, he made me feel like it was ok and he made me feel comfortable. We were total opposites, I was in the closet, scared, a virgin. And he worked in a gay bar, fucking guys for a living. I didn’t understand how we could be friends let alone anything more. He was too good for that bar, he deserved more, I wondered why he wouldn’t quit, what was his life like? What was he hiding?

***

I slowly opened my eyes as I woke the next morning, I felt excited and hopeful as memories from last night flooded back and manifested themselves in my groin, I lifted the covers slightly to sneak a peak at my cock as it stood to attention. As usual it was up before me, but this morning it was just as excited as I was. I reached across and lifted my phone, I began typing then doubt crept in, should I text Brad or not? I continued texting, I wasn’t sure why, I just wanted to talk to him. “Morning :) thinking about you, wanna meet me?” I studied the text for a few seconds, I didn’t want to sound desperate, but I really wanted him. “Aww fuck it” After keying in the number he had given me last night I pressed send and watched as the message sent. I breathed a sigh of relief but my nerves grew as I waited for a reply. I set my phone down next to my bed and closed my eyes in an attempt to relax while I waited. It worked… a little too well.

**************************************************

BRAD’S POINT OF VIEW

I put one hand behind my brother’s head, making sure he was comfortable before pressing the spoonful of cereal to his lips, I tried pushing it into his mouth without hurting him. He hadn’t been able to feed himself for a while now. “Come on Peter, you gotta open your mouth a little man”. His eyes were barely open and if it were not for my hand he wouldn’t be able to hold his head up. “Argh please Brad, I’m really not hungry”. I looked at the almost full bowl of cereal which was rested on my lap. Then I looked up at my brother, he just lay with his eyes half shut. “Hmph, fine, but you gotta eat a big lunch now, you hear?” “Yeah fine”. I got up and fixed his pillows and bed a little before walking out of the room. I set down the bowl of cereal and rested my elbows on the kitchen counter before putting my head in my hands. I felt tired, my body ached and my eyes were bloodshot. I felt a slight vibration in my leg, I pulled out my phone and had saw I had a text from a number I didn’t recognize, I read it and instantly knew it must be from Liam, I put my aches aside and smiled as I replied, I told him I would meet him in the park, there was a nice area where we could talk in private, I went their when I wanted to get away, to think, it was a secluded spot in the woods, it was only a short walk from the park. I went back into Peter’s room to tell him I was going out for a little while but he was already asleep again. I grabbed a quick shower, hoping it would wake me up a little. I pulled on clean boxer shorts and a pair of pretty tight shorts, then sprayed deodorant under my arms before pulling on one of my favourite t shirts. I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I fixed my hair and then studied myself fiercely, working in the club had clearly had a pretty serious impact on me. I was a teenager when I started working there, and I looked like a normal teenager, now I had bags under my eyes and looked constantly tired. I brushed my teeth and tried to shrug of the feeling of looking miserable before going in to check on Peter again. I was excited at the prospect of seeing Liam again, I left the dark, dirty apartment and began walking quickly towards the park, I didn’t even wait for Liam to reply, it would take me about ten minutes to walk to the park, I checked my phone and seen it was 10:03, then tucking it back into my pocket I began jogging, I was excited, for once I had something to look forward to.

************************************************************

LIAM’S POINT OF VIEW

I rolled over and slowly opened my eyes, I felt a strange déjà view sensation, I lifted my phone and seen I had six missed calls and three texts. All from Brad, “Shit, I asked to meet him and then fell asleep!” I read his texts quickly, he said he would meet me in the park, the others were asking me where I was and was this a joke. “Shit I hope he’s not angry.” I said to myself, I threw on shorts and a t shirt, I looked like a mess but I didn’t care. I ran from my apartment and headed towards the park, trying to text Brad as I ran.

*************************************************************

BRAD’S POINT OF VIEW

I sat on a bench alone, looking at all the people out enjoying themselves on this sunny day, it was warm and so everyone was out together doing stuff. I wanted to cry but knew I wouldn’t do it in public like this. I stood up but then felt my phone vibrate, it was a text from Liam. I read it out loud quietly “I’m so sorry, I fell asleep, coming now”. I sat down again, a slight sense of relief washed over me, but I was still confused, and alone.

I watched as Liam finally ran round the corner he spotted me and waved as he slowed down and then jogged towards me. He landed down beside me panting and trying desperately to catch his breath. “I’m… so… so… huh… sorry…. Ahem….I fell ….. asleep”. I smiled at him, he looked sorry, his big eyes were shining in the sun and he looked like a little kid who had accidently broken something and was scared. I shrugged my shoulders, “It’s fine honestly, so I was thinking we could go on a walk, not far, just to this nice little spot I know.” He looked up at me, his red face sweating in the sun. “Any chance I could sit down for just a little while first?” I laughed a little and self consciously placed my hand on his shoulder without thinking, he stopped laughing and looked round to where I was touching him, he shuffled away before standing up. “Let’s go then”. I frowned a little, he wasn’t comfortable with guys touching him in public. I stood up and began walking by his side, constantly reminding myself not to touch him again, I didn’t want to push him away.

We walked side by side, but nobody bothered to look at us, we just looked like two friends walking together, nothing more. We made small talk as I lead Liam to the clearing in the woods. Eventually we sat down together on a log and we each took a moment to admire our surroundings. The trees in the forest were hundreds of years old, they towered above us and looked to reach above the clouds. The leaves were green and sun spilt down between them providing a pleasant warmth. After a few minutes had passed I broke the silence. “So, you like it?” Liam continued looking round him for a few seconds and didn’t even turn to look at me when he answered. “Yeah, its beautiful, so peaceful.” I couldn’t take my eyes of Liam while he looked around in awe.

“Yeah, I like coming here, I guess, it’s just a place…well.. to get away from it all.” My voice trailed off towards the end of my sentence. “You mean to get away from the club?” Liam finally turned his attention away from the stunning surroundings and focussed on me, but now my head was bowed as I thought about what I was saying. “Yeah, well that, and all the rest.” Liam shuffled a little closer. “Tell me, you wouldn’t tell me what was wrong last night, I promise whatever it is I won’t tell anyone, you can trust me Brad.” I felt a gentle touch on my leg as he placed his hand on my lap. I lifted my head and discovered his big eyes locked with mine, as if trying to penetrate my thoughts. “I can’t you wouldn’t understand.” I closed my eyes, trying not to open them in case Liam’s stare became too much. I couldn’t tell him about the way I lived, looking after my brother in that miserable apartment, he would run a mile if he knew.

“Why do you keep saying that? How do you expect me to understand if you won’t tell me?” Liam pressed down harder on my lap, showing he was just going to keep pushing until I told him. “I… work there… you know, in the club.. getting paid for sex…. And I can’t quit.. because I need the money…. It’s complicated.” “Don’t stop, keep going.” Liam persisted. “I can’t quit because I need the money to look after my brother.” I sighed and waited for Liam’s reaction before I continued. “What do you mean?” Liam kept his hand on my lap, it was only a gentle touch but I found it comforting and it acted kind of like a symbol of his support. “My parents, they’re both dead.” I sniffed as I tried to hold back the tears as I uttered my life story for the first time to anyone. Liam gasped in shock. “Car crash, so now I ran, took my little brother so they couldn’t take us into care.” I turned to look at Liam again. “They would have split us up I couldn’t let that happed.”

Liam now put his other arm around me and pulled me slightly closer to him when my emotions started to become obvious, I was shaking slightly and had to bite my lip in an attempt to hold back the tears. “We live in this disgusting, dirty, apartment. It’s horrible but it’s all I can afford Liam.” I rubbed my red eyes and tried to pull myself together. Liam’s eyes seemed to be fixed on me, he was transfixed on me and my story. “Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, my brother, Peter, got sick….. he has cancer Liam… Cancer, he’s only ten, HE DOESN’T FUCKING DESERVE THIS!” I don’t know why but I just started screaming when it came to my brother. Liam forced my head onto his chest in an attempted to muffle my screams. I pounded my fists on his chest but stopped quickly, obviously none of this was his fault. But this was the first time I had ever told anyone all this. “I’m sorry Brad, I don’t know what to say.” I kept my eyes closed and my forehead pressed against Liams hard chest but I pulled my chin away slightly “You don’t have to say anything, just don’t let go kay?” I felt Liam hold me tighter once again. “Okay.” He replied quickly.

He just kept his arms around me for as long as I needed, I’m not sure how much time had passed when I eventually withdrew from his warm embrace. I finally opened my eyes to look at Liam, I stared into his bright blue eyes then shifted my gaze to his small, pink lips. Without thinking nor warning I lunged at him and forced my lips onto his, they tasted amazing but the feeling was short lived. I felt his familiar hand on my chest as he pushed me away. He took a deep breath and his mouth hung open in shock. He looked around quickly to make sure no one had seen before turning and sprinting away, in seconds he was no longer in the clearing with me, he had disappeared into the woods. Gone, leaving me sobbing, scared, embarrassed and worst of all, alone.

If anyone has any questions or wants to know about the next part of the story please feel free to email me at jsmyth1231 at hotmail dot co dot uk

Thanks for reading the first part of my new series! I’m really excited about this, I’m going for a totally different style of story than with rolling in the deep, more complex, grown up characters, not so much the fairy tale get together with Danny and Alex enjoyed, more of a nightmare really. Please give me your thoughts on the story and maybe even how it compares to Rolling in the deep. Thanks for reading everyone!
JS